Can You Survive These Dad Jokes?

It's Father's Day, and that means another Special Edition blog! And what better for Father's Day than some *great* Dad Jokes?! Here are some of our resident "Dad"'s favorites...

A guy and his wife go to Israel. He wasn’t well, but they had always wanted to visit the Holy Land, and this was their last chance. While they are there, the guy dies. The tour manager says to the widow, “You have two options. Your husband can be buried here in Israel, or we can do the embalming and fly him back to the US. However, it will cost about a thousand dollars extra to fly him home.” The widow thinks a while, and says, “We’ll fly him home. You people don’t actually have a perfect record of keeping them buried, now do you?”

A friend of mine belongs to a joke club. Not a night club with performers. No, This is more like a Lions or Kiwanis club, but the members tell jokes to each other. So, my friend invites me to go along, and I went. And we sit down, and a guy stands up and says “47”. Everybody busted up. They were laughin their heads off. After a while, another guy stands up and says, “89”, and everyone busts up again. Bigger than the last time. So I asked my friend what’s goin on? He says, “We’ve all told these jokes so many times, that we have them numbered. So all anyone has to do is say the number, and everyone knows the joke.” I say, “Can I try it?” He says sure. So I stand up and say, “62”. Dead silence. You could’ve heard a cat tiptoeing. So I turn to my friend and say, “What happened?” and he says, “Some people can tell a joke, some can’t.”

My Dad.

“Outstanding in his field.”

It actually says that on the back of the photo.

Now that’s a Dad Joke.

My daughter had a plate of corn chips with cheese on it. I said, “That looks good.” She pulled it away from me and said, “Nacho cheese.” I’m so proud. No sons, but the tradition lives on.

This one’s for Jenny. Did you hear about the guy floating in the river? We’ll just call him Bob.

How about the guy who tripped over the pile of dirt? We’ll call him Doug.

Then his brother fell in the hole that Doug’s pile of dirt came from. His name? Phil.

A new bride was fixing her first Thanksgiving dinner, and didn’t know how long she should cook it. Someone told her to call the meat market where she got it, so she did. The guy asks, “How big is the turkey?” She says, “16 pounds.” He says, “Just a minute,” and turns to the chart to look up the correct time, and the girl hangs up.

Probably my favorite Joke is about Schwartzie.

Everybody knew Schwartzie, and Schwartzie knew everybody. But I wouldn’t believe it. So I bet him. I said ten bucks says I can name someone you don’t know. He says, “You’re on.” So I thought a bit, and I said, “Willie Robertson. I bet you don’t know Willie Robertson.” He says, “Well yes I do. In fact, I just ran into him last weekend at the Cabella’s, and we had a great time.” I said I didn’t believe it. He says, “Well, I have his phone number right here.” And he shows me the name Willie on his contact list, hits the send button, and next thing I knew, I was talking to Willie Robertson.

I said, “OK. But I’ve got a hundred that says I can name someone you don’t know.” Schwartzie says, “I’ll take your money.” So I thought a while, and said, “Donald Trump. You can’t know him. You’re a Democrat, for Pete’s sake.” Schwartzie says, “Sure, I know The Donald.” And he shows me the name Donald on his contact list, hits the send button, and I was talking to Donald Trump.

I said, “You got lucky. I’ve got a thousand bucks that says I can name someone you don’t know.” Schwartzie says, “I know everybody, and everybody knows me.” So I thought a long time and said, “The Pope. You do not know the Pope. You’re not even Catholic. You can’t know the Pope.” He says, “Pope Francis? Well I knew him as Jorge when I was a kid. My folks and I used to go to Argentina in the winter, since it was summer there. Tell you what. I would love to see him again. Let’s go.”

So we got a flight to Italy and go to the Vatican, and Schwartzie says, “You’ll have to wait here in the square, while I go up and see the Pope, but you keep your eye on that balcony, and you’ll see.” So I waited a little while, and pretty soon Schwartzie and Pope Francis come stepping out onto the balcony, arm in arm, laughing and grinning and having a good time. So Schwartzie looks down at me, and I am flat out on the ground. Out cold. So Schwartzie leaves the Pope and runs out to me, because that’s the sort of guy he is. He sprinkles a little water in my face (not sure where he got it) and I wake up. Schwartzie says, “Sorry, Dave, I didn’t know it would be that big of a shock.” I said, “Well, it wasn’t so much that you knew the Pope. I could handle that. But what really got me was I was standing there looking up at you two, and this guy comes by and says, ‘Excuze, Pizanno, but who’sa that guy uppa there?” I said it was Schwartzie, and he says, “Well I knowa that, but who’sa the other guy witha Schwartzie?’ and that was just too much for me.”

Happy Father's Day!